Naperville North's Santos works
to overcome tragedy
By Matt LeCren
NAPERVILLE -- Ashley Santos was still asleep that Saturday morning in November when she heard knocking at the door of the apartment she shared with her mother, Lourdes.
The Naperville North soccer star expected to relax at home after spending a typical Friday evening out with friends.
But since that morning, little in her life has seemed normal.
The police were at the door to inform Santos that her mother, who suffered from mental illness, had committed suicide by stepping in front of a Metra train.
In an instant, the teenager's world had changed. Beloved by her peers and coaches for her bubbly personality, outstanding leadership abilities, and athletic and academic prowess, Santos found herself alone with her only immediate family 800 miles away.
Santos endured. She showed resilience in the wake of an unspeakable tragedy with the help of a community that stepped up to aid a young woman with a bright future. It became an example of how sports can help the healing process.
THE FATEFUL MORNING
Santos and her mother had lived together for 4½ often tumultuous years. Lourdes, 50, battled depression and bipolar disorder. Last summer was a particularly rough stretch, but Santos had been enjoying the fall of her senior year at Naperville North. She and good friend Morgan Krause served as managers on the boys soccer team that won the Class 3A state championship on Nov. 5.
One week later she was awoken at 8 a.m.
“I heard the knock the first time and thought it was probably my mom, she’ll get in,” Santos said. “Or it was the neighbor, and mom will get the door.
“It’s a Saturday morning so my mom sometimes gets groceries and comes back. It was nothing out of the ordinary for her not to be home, but usually she tells me the night before if she was leaving.
“I hear the second knock, and I was like, maybe mom’s locked out with the dog. I don’t see or hear the dog.
“I hear the knock the third time and I was like, maybe she’s locked out, I need to go help her. But the dog was by the door to my mom’s room.”
Santos opened the door to find police officers standing in the hall. Even then, she didn’t foresee what was coming.
“I saw the police and the first thing that went through my head was not my mom,” Santos said. “The first thing they asked me was, ‘Are you alone?’ I said, ‘To be honest, I don’t know,’ because I had just gotten out of bed.
‘They said, ‘Do you mind us coming in?’ I said, ‘Do you mind me asking what’s wrong?’
“I was thinking, ‘Did all my friends get home safe?’ We weren’t doing anything bad, just hanging out, so why would they be here?
“(The officers) had me sit down and then they said, ‘We hate to have to say this … ”
“You hear that in movies, and right then I knew and just broke down.”
THE PAST
Santos, 18, was born in Virginia and moved to Chicago as a toddler when her father Nelson got a job transfer.
When Santos was in third grade, her father was transferred back to Virginia. She and her brother, Andrew, stayed in Naperville with Lourdes.
Eventually, her parents divorced and her father has since remarried. Andrew, a 2012 Naperville North graduate, attends Virginia Tech.
“My whole life my mom had been suffering with depression,” Santos said. “I couldn’t remember it was anything serious.
“I knew she struggled with all that stuff, but it was never prevalent. It was something I was aware of but never really had to deal with. My dad didn’t tell me much.”
When Santos was in middle school, her mother attempted suicide. This was hidden from Ashley, who was deemed too young to understand.
As Lourdes’ condition deteriorated last summer, Santos struggled to understand her mother's condition. At one point, she stayed with best friend, schoolmate and teammate Jessica Denney for a few days.
“This past summer she had manic swings, so I noticed a lot of the ups and downs, and I had a really rough summer,” Santos said. “I’ve always been a pretty independent person, but she was going through the stages of manic depression and acting out as she never had before. It was really hard on me to see that.
“I didn’t really understand it at 17 years old. I was like a parent to my mom, which was really hard on me, because I didn’t understand it.
“I was having a conversation with my dad and he said, ‘Just be careful; make sure your mom doesn’t kill herself.’ I was like, ‘What the hell?’ But I didn’t know she had tried before, so it slipped right over my head.
“I was like, ‘OK, I will do my best.’
"I’d ask (her), ‘Are you okay? Are you on your meds? Are you seeing a doctor?’ She always said she was.”
Despite the situation at home, Santos continued to excel in the classroom, where she got straight A's, and on the soccer field, where she earned a scholarship to Illinois State.
“The school year started and things started to get pretty back to normal,” Santos said. “[Mom] started apologizing for some things, which was weird to me. She said, ‘Why does my 17-year-old daughter know more about life than I do?’ I remember that conversation so clearly.
“My mom’s saying was ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ It’s obviously hard to swallow at times, but this summer was preparation for her passing.
“I almost think I mourned my mom this summer even though I had no idea of what was going to happen.”
THE FINAL NIGHT
Santos’ final hours with her mother are seared into her memory. There was no indication of what was to come.
“That Friday night I was out with my friends as normal,” Santos said. “I came home to my mom at midnight, sat down on the couch with her and my dog and watched TV until 2 a.m.
“Usually I would go right to bed but that day - I’d like to think this was God’s doing but I’m so thankful - I sat there and watched TV until 2 a.m. I just hung out with her. We didn’t even talk.
“She falls asleep, and I went to bed.”
Lourdes died around 5 a.m. that morning. She had given no warning that she was about to take her own life.
“(The police investigation found that) at 2:06 a.m. she looked up the train schedule on her computer and sometime between then and 5 a.m. she had left and gone to the train station,” Santos said. “It’s the train station on 4th (Avenue), and it’s right where I cross almost every day.
“So every time I see a railroad, let alone crossing it right there, is always super hard, but I’ve gotten stronger.”
Santos has told her story many times over the past few months. It has become easier with time and helps with the grieving process.
“At first I would burst out in tears, but now I’m able to get through the story,” Santos said. “It’s who I am and who I’ve become."
A NEW HOME
On top of losing her mother, Santos also lost her home.
That’s when Denney and her family stepped up and immediately offered to take Santos in. The two girls, who will play soccer together and room with each other at Illinois State next fall, now shared a family as well as a friendship that began in kindergarten.
“My parents (Mark and Mary Ann) and I have had this conversation (with people) where we get that, ‘Oh, God, props to you for taking Ashley in,’” Denney said.
“Honestly the best way we can answer that question is we can’t really see it as any other way. There was no other option we had in mind.
“I moved here, when I was little, from New Jersey, and ever since then Ashley has been like the back of my hand. When you have a forever friend like that, you would do anything for them at any time of any day.
“It is an adjustment for all of us, for sure, but at the end of the day it’s just seen as such a blessing.”
Certainly Santos can’t see it any other way.
“Their family jumped up,” Santos said. “They didn’t even say, ‘Do you want to stay with us?’
“They’re like, ‘You’re staying with us. You’re now our daughter.’ They took me in, and I couldn’t be more thankful.”
Santos shared a unique bond with Denney, who played club soccer her first three years of high school before suffering a torn ACL.
“She’s been one of my closest friends my whole life, since we were 5,” Santos said. “The second we came together it was like we were never apart.”
Denney, a transfer from Benet Academy, also plays midfield and is looking forward to playing next to Santos at some point during the regular season. She is about a month away from being medically cleared to play.
Rehabbing the torn ACL was tough, but Santos’ situation put that in perspective.
“I have no words for it,” Denney said. “It completely amazes me how strong she is.
“I don’t even know how she does it. I admire her and look up to her for that. She deserves a trophy for how strong she is.”
To a stranger, Santos seemed like someone who had it all; a great education, sunny disposition, strong work ethic, and terrific athletic and academic ability.
But a “normal” family life was missing. It no longer is thanks to the Denneys.
“They came in and have been my family,” Santos said. “I haven’t really had that family-type life at all since my parents split up.
“I never had the let’s-sit-down-for-family-dinner thing, never had the two-parent household. I’m finally in a home now, and I see this family structure.
“It’s a big adjustment, but it’s really cool to see the love and affection they have for each other and to be a part of that.”
A GREAT TEAMMATE
Santos greets everyone with an enthusiastic smile and a genuine interest in how they are doing. This is no act – she is like this every day, and it is one of the reasons why she is so popular with her teammates and coaches.
“She is someone everyone gravitates to because she is so inclusive of everyone and always looking out for everyone’s best interests,” said senior all-state goalkeeper and Illinois recruit Elizabeth Cablk. “Even in this, probably the hardest time of her life, she is still always concerned with how other people are doing. It’s been awesome to have her as a captain.”
Santos, a four-year varsity player, became a captain last season and helped the Huskies to a 21-2-1 record. They recorded a school-record 19 shutouts, including 11 straight at one point.
With nine returning starters on a roster filled with Division I talent, the Huskies are ranked no. 1 in the state in Chicagoland Soccer’s preseason poll and no. 5 in the nation by Top Drawer Soccer.
“I think Ashley’s leadership is a huge part of that,” Naperville North coach Steve Goletz said. “She’s been through a lot this year but the special thing about her is not only has she dealt with that so well, but she’s been able to lead others during that time, which I think truly shows what kind of character she has.
“As I said in my Signing Day speech here, there are a lot of adults in this building that wish they could handle themselves as well as she has these past couple months.”
Santos’ impact on others began well before the tragedy.
“Even as a freshman, Ashley was somebody that the girls took to right away,” Goletz said. “She’s got a great personality; she’s always got a smile on her face; and she’s got that kind of infectious way about her.
“We feel very fortunate to have Ashley for another year. She is one of three four-year varsity players that have been part of what’s been a very successful time here at our school.”
“I know she’s going to do everything in her power to push the group to where we want to go.”
As a defensive-minded midfielder, Santos doesn’t score many goals, but she doesn’t need to. She is renowned for her hustle, and it resulted in a memorable highlight reel play last season against Naperville Central.
The host Redhawks thought they had scored the game-winning goal when Amanda Murphy beat Cablk on a field-length counterattack.
But Santos, who was 75 yards away when the counterattack began, raced back and slide-tackled the ball off the goal line. That preserved a 0-0 tie and an unbeaten streak that eventually reached 20 games. It also played a key role in North’s DuPage Valley Conference title.
“That play happens once out of every 500 times where they’re actually able to complete a full counterattack and dribble our goalkeeper and pop it into an empty net,” Goletz said. “But Ashley makes that run consistently.
“Ninety-nine percent of the time you would never know it because it never has to get to that point. The one time she wouldn’t make that run is the one time we would have lost, and it would have broken our shutout streak.
“That play sums up what she does on a daily basis.”
The play of Santos and her defensive-minded teammates was crucial for the Huskies last season, who despite their great backline were not a dominant offensive team.
They gave up only six goals but they won seven games by one goal and seven more were two-goal decisions.
Cablk knows what makes Santos a special leader.
“She’s very confident in a good way,” Cablk said. “It’s not just in her soccer ability.
“She’s confident in who she is as a person, and she’s confident in herself as a leader. When you have someone with that attitude, everyone kind of follows suit. She is proving to be a leader not only on the field but off the field.”
As impressive as Santos is on the field, it is her off-the-field example that stands out to the Huskies.
“Ashley is one of the most resilient people I know,” Cablk said. “I think what she has had to go through this year, it shouldn’t have to happen to anyone, and I know all the girls on the team have rallied around her and have been there to support her.
“For her to come to practice every day and be a leader, be a captain, be strong for the rest of us, has been outstanding. I don’t think anyone could have handled this as well as she has. She’s an example to all of us.”
COPING
So how does one cope with losing a parent at a young age, and in so tragic a way?
Santos has done it by leaning on her friends and teachers and keeping to a routine.
Aside from from attending her mother’s funeral and burial in Miami, Santos did not miss any school. She found that working out in the weight room helped channel her emotions, as did keeping to her normal schedule.
“I wanted to get back to my routine, because I didn’t want to sulk anymore,” Santos said. “I needed some time to process it, which was good, but people were like, ‘You shouldn’t be in class,’ because it was obviously a big thing for the community to have something like that happen.
“I went right back into school to talk to my counselors. The first thing I said to (Naperville North boys soccer coach and dean of students Jim) Konrad was, ‘I don’t want to be treated differently.’
“He said, ‘Don’t worry about your final exams,’ but I was going to take every single one of them just like everyone else. There is no need to treat me differently. We all have our hard times, but you’ve got to keep going.”
One way Santos does that is by writing. She calls Denney’s parents her new role models, but she cannot forget her own mother, so she started a journal in which she tells Lourdes about what happened on a given day.
“Now I don’t write in it nearly as much, but at first I would write in it almost every day, like: ‘Hey, mom, this is what happened at school; this is how my day went; I’m so excited about this; I miss you so much,’” Santos said. “It was just a place where I could have a conversation with her. That really helped me.”
THE FUTURE
Now Santos has the soccer season and a potential state championship run to hold her attention. Regardless of whether that happens, she is a winner at life in the eyes of those around her.
She credits her support system.
“Jessie and Morgan Krause are my two best friends,” Santos said. “They have been my rock.
“I would not have made it through any of this without them. I can’t say the number of times I’ve ranted on stuff that doesn’t even have to do with my mom, and they just listen to me.”
Santos plans to major in education. She wants to be a teacher so she can make a difference for students the way she has been impacted by her teachers at Naperville North.
The tragedy of her mother’s death will linger forever in Santos’ mind; she hopes that talking publicly about it will help to ease the stigma associated with mental illness.
“At first I questioned myself,” Santos said. “'Is this my fault? Is there something I could have done? If I had given her an extra hug that night or if I would have kissed her, maybe she wouldn’t have done it.'
“But she was sick. Just like cancer is an illness, (it is the) same with mental illness. It’s just in the brain.”
In dealing with the loss of her mom, Santos found that she is part of a universal experience. Everyone eventually loses their parents, more than a few people lose them as children.
“Losing a parent in general is not easy, especially at a young age and in the manner it happened, in the blink of an eye,” Santos said. “(When it is) something you did not expect, it’s even more hard.”
Yet closure is possible.
“There was an article I read that said it’s not about moving on, it’s about moving forward,” Santos said. “It was a about a girl who wrote about her mom who passed away from cancer.
“I was immediately at peace.”
to overcome tragedy
By Matt LeCren
NAPERVILLE -- Ashley Santos was still asleep that Saturday morning in November when she heard knocking at the door of the apartment she shared with her mother, Lourdes.
The Naperville North soccer star expected to relax at home after spending a typical Friday evening out with friends.
But since that morning, little in her life has seemed normal.
The police were at the door to inform Santos that her mother, who suffered from mental illness, had committed suicide by stepping in front of a Metra train.
In an instant, the teenager's world had changed. Beloved by her peers and coaches for her bubbly personality, outstanding leadership abilities, and athletic and academic prowess, Santos found herself alone with her only immediate family 800 miles away.
Santos endured. She showed resilience in the wake of an unspeakable tragedy with the help of a community that stepped up to aid a young woman with a bright future. It became an example of how sports can help the healing process.
THE FATEFUL MORNING
Santos and her mother had lived together for 4½ often tumultuous years. Lourdes, 50, battled depression and bipolar disorder. Last summer was a particularly rough stretch, but Santos had been enjoying the fall of her senior year at Naperville North. She and good friend Morgan Krause served as managers on the boys soccer team that won the Class 3A state championship on Nov. 5.
One week later she was awoken at 8 a.m.
“I heard the knock the first time and thought it was probably my mom, she’ll get in,” Santos said. “Or it was the neighbor, and mom will get the door.
“It’s a Saturday morning so my mom sometimes gets groceries and comes back. It was nothing out of the ordinary for her not to be home, but usually she tells me the night before if she was leaving.
“I hear the second knock, and I was like, maybe mom’s locked out with the dog. I don’t see or hear the dog.
“I hear the knock the third time and I was like, maybe she’s locked out, I need to go help her. But the dog was by the door to my mom’s room.”
Santos opened the door to find police officers standing in the hall. Even then, she didn’t foresee what was coming.
“I saw the police and the first thing that went through my head was not my mom,” Santos said. “The first thing they asked me was, ‘Are you alone?’ I said, ‘To be honest, I don’t know,’ because I had just gotten out of bed.
‘They said, ‘Do you mind us coming in?’ I said, ‘Do you mind me asking what’s wrong?’
“I was thinking, ‘Did all my friends get home safe?’ We weren’t doing anything bad, just hanging out, so why would they be here?
“(The officers) had me sit down and then they said, ‘We hate to have to say this … ”
“You hear that in movies, and right then I knew and just broke down.”
THE PAST
Santos, 18, was born in Virginia and moved to Chicago as a toddler when her father Nelson got a job transfer.
When Santos was in third grade, her father was transferred back to Virginia. She and her brother, Andrew, stayed in Naperville with Lourdes.
Eventually, her parents divorced and her father has since remarried. Andrew, a 2012 Naperville North graduate, attends Virginia Tech.
“My whole life my mom had been suffering with depression,” Santos said. “I couldn’t remember it was anything serious.
“I knew she struggled with all that stuff, but it was never prevalent. It was something I was aware of but never really had to deal with. My dad didn’t tell me much.”
When Santos was in middle school, her mother attempted suicide. This was hidden from Ashley, who was deemed too young to understand.
As Lourdes’ condition deteriorated last summer, Santos struggled to understand her mother's condition. At one point, she stayed with best friend, schoolmate and teammate Jessica Denney for a few days.
“This past summer she had manic swings, so I noticed a lot of the ups and downs, and I had a really rough summer,” Santos said. “I’ve always been a pretty independent person, but she was going through the stages of manic depression and acting out as she never had before. It was really hard on me to see that.
“I didn’t really understand it at 17 years old. I was like a parent to my mom, which was really hard on me, because I didn’t understand it.
“I was having a conversation with my dad and he said, ‘Just be careful; make sure your mom doesn’t kill herself.’ I was like, ‘What the hell?’ But I didn’t know she had tried before, so it slipped right over my head.
“I was like, ‘OK, I will do my best.’
"I’d ask (her), ‘Are you okay? Are you on your meds? Are you seeing a doctor?’ She always said she was.”
Despite the situation at home, Santos continued to excel in the classroom, where she got straight A's, and on the soccer field, where she earned a scholarship to Illinois State.
“The school year started and things started to get pretty back to normal,” Santos said. “[Mom] started apologizing for some things, which was weird to me. She said, ‘Why does my 17-year-old daughter know more about life than I do?’ I remember that conversation so clearly.
“My mom’s saying was ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ It’s obviously hard to swallow at times, but this summer was preparation for her passing.
“I almost think I mourned my mom this summer even though I had no idea of what was going to happen.”
THE FINAL NIGHT
Santos’ final hours with her mother are seared into her memory. There was no indication of what was to come.
“That Friday night I was out with my friends as normal,” Santos said. “I came home to my mom at midnight, sat down on the couch with her and my dog and watched TV until 2 a.m.
“Usually I would go right to bed but that day - I’d like to think this was God’s doing but I’m so thankful - I sat there and watched TV until 2 a.m. I just hung out with her. We didn’t even talk.
“She falls asleep, and I went to bed.”
Lourdes died around 5 a.m. that morning. She had given no warning that she was about to take her own life.
“(The police investigation found that) at 2:06 a.m. she looked up the train schedule on her computer and sometime between then and 5 a.m. she had left and gone to the train station,” Santos said. “It’s the train station on 4th (Avenue), and it’s right where I cross almost every day.
“So every time I see a railroad, let alone crossing it right there, is always super hard, but I’ve gotten stronger.”
Santos has told her story many times over the past few months. It has become easier with time and helps with the grieving process.
“At first I would burst out in tears, but now I’m able to get through the story,” Santos said. “It’s who I am and who I’ve become."
A NEW HOME
On top of losing her mother, Santos also lost her home.
That’s when Denney and her family stepped up and immediately offered to take Santos in. The two girls, who will play soccer together and room with each other at Illinois State next fall, now shared a family as well as a friendship that began in kindergarten.
“My parents (Mark and Mary Ann) and I have had this conversation (with people) where we get that, ‘Oh, God, props to you for taking Ashley in,’” Denney said.
“Honestly the best way we can answer that question is we can’t really see it as any other way. There was no other option we had in mind.
“I moved here, when I was little, from New Jersey, and ever since then Ashley has been like the back of my hand. When you have a forever friend like that, you would do anything for them at any time of any day.
“It is an adjustment for all of us, for sure, but at the end of the day it’s just seen as such a blessing.”
Certainly Santos can’t see it any other way.
“Their family jumped up,” Santos said. “They didn’t even say, ‘Do you want to stay with us?’
“They’re like, ‘You’re staying with us. You’re now our daughter.’ They took me in, and I couldn’t be more thankful.”
Santos shared a unique bond with Denney, who played club soccer her first three years of high school before suffering a torn ACL.
“She’s been one of my closest friends my whole life, since we were 5,” Santos said. “The second we came together it was like we were never apart.”
Denney, a transfer from Benet Academy, also plays midfield and is looking forward to playing next to Santos at some point during the regular season. She is about a month away from being medically cleared to play.
Rehabbing the torn ACL was tough, but Santos’ situation put that in perspective.
“I have no words for it,” Denney said. “It completely amazes me how strong she is.
“I don’t even know how she does it. I admire her and look up to her for that. She deserves a trophy for how strong she is.”
To a stranger, Santos seemed like someone who had it all; a great education, sunny disposition, strong work ethic, and terrific athletic and academic ability.
But a “normal” family life was missing. It no longer is thanks to the Denneys.
“They came in and have been my family,” Santos said. “I haven’t really had that family-type life at all since my parents split up.
“I never had the let’s-sit-down-for-family-dinner thing, never had the two-parent household. I’m finally in a home now, and I see this family structure.
“It’s a big adjustment, but it’s really cool to see the love and affection they have for each other and to be a part of that.”
A GREAT TEAMMATE
Santos greets everyone with an enthusiastic smile and a genuine interest in how they are doing. This is no act – she is like this every day, and it is one of the reasons why she is so popular with her teammates and coaches.
“She is someone everyone gravitates to because she is so inclusive of everyone and always looking out for everyone’s best interests,” said senior all-state goalkeeper and Illinois recruit Elizabeth Cablk. “Even in this, probably the hardest time of her life, she is still always concerned with how other people are doing. It’s been awesome to have her as a captain.”
Santos, a four-year varsity player, became a captain last season and helped the Huskies to a 21-2-1 record. They recorded a school-record 19 shutouts, including 11 straight at one point.
With nine returning starters on a roster filled with Division I talent, the Huskies are ranked no. 1 in the state in Chicagoland Soccer’s preseason poll and no. 5 in the nation by Top Drawer Soccer.
“I think Ashley’s leadership is a huge part of that,” Naperville North coach Steve Goletz said. “She’s been through a lot this year but the special thing about her is not only has she dealt with that so well, but she’s been able to lead others during that time, which I think truly shows what kind of character she has.
“As I said in my Signing Day speech here, there are a lot of adults in this building that wish they could handle themselves as well as she has these past couple months.”
Santos’ impact on others began well before the tragedy.
“Even as a freshman, Ashley was somebody that the girls took to right away,” Goletz said. “She’s got a great personality; she’s always got a smile on her face; and she’s got that kind of infectious way about her.
“We feel very fortunate to have Ashley for another year. She is one of three four-year varsity players that have been part of what’s been a very successful time here at our school.”
“I know she’s going to do everything in her power to push the group to where we want to go.”
As a defensive-minded midfielder, Santos doesn’t score many goals, but she doesn’t need to. She is renowned for her hustle, and it resulted in a memorable highlight reel play last season against Naperville Central.
The host Redhawks thought they had scored the game-winning goal when Amanda Murphy beat Cablk on a field-length counterattack.
But Santos, who was 75 yards away when the counterattack began, raced back and slide-tackled the ball off the goal line. That preserved a 0-0 tie and an unbeaten streak that eventually reached 20 games. It also played a key role in North’s DuPage Valley Conference title.
“That play happens once out of every 500 times where they’re actually able to complete a full counterattack and dribble our goalkeeper and pop it into an empty net,” Goletz said. “But Ashley makes that run consistently.
“Ninety-nine percent of the time you would never know it because it never has to get to that point. The one time she wouldn’t make that run is the one time we would have lost, and it would have broken our shutout streak.
“That play sums up what she does on a daily basis.”
The play of Santos and her defensive-minded teammates was crucial for the Huskies last season, who despite their great backline were not a dominant offensive team.
They gave up only six goals but they won seven games by one goal and seven more were two-goal decisions.
Cablk knows what makes Santos a special leader.
“She’s very confident in a good way,” Cablk said. “It’s not just in her soccer ability.
“She’s confident in who she is as a person, and she’s confident in herself as a leader. When you have someone with that attitude, everyone kind of follows suit. She is proving to be a leader not only on the field but off the field.”
As impressive as Santos is on the field, it is her off-the-field example that stands out to the Huskies.
“Ashley is one of the most resilient people I know,” Cablk said. “I think what she has had to go through this year, it shouldn’t have to happen to anyone, and I know all the girls on the team have rallied around her and have been there to support her.
“For her to come to practice every day and be a leader, be a captain, be strong for the rest of us, has been outstanding. I don’t think anyone could have handled this as well as she has. She’s an example to all of us.”
COPING
So how does one cope with losing a parent at a young age, and in so tragic a way?
Santos has done it by leaning on her friends and teachers and keeping to a routine.
Aside from from attending her mother’s funeral and burial in Miami, Santos did not miss any school. She found that working out in the weight room helped channel her emotions, as did keeping to her normal schedule.
“I wanted to get back to my routine, because I didn’t want to sulk anymore,” Santos said. “I needed some time to process it, which was good, but people were like, ‘You shouldn’t be in class,’ because it was obviously a big thing for the community to have something like that happen.
“I went right back into school to talk to my counselors. The first thing I said to (Naperville North boys soccer coach and dean of students Jim) Konrad was, ‘I don’t want to be treated differently.’
“He said, ‘Don’t worry about your final exams,’ but I was going to take every single one of them just like everyone else. There is no need to treat me differently. We all have our hard times, but you’ve got to keep going.”
One way Santos does that is by writing. She calls Denney’s parents her new role models, but she cannot forget her own mother, so she started a journal in which she tells Lourdes about what happened on a given day.
“Now I don’t write in it nearly as much, but at first I would write in it almost every day, like: ‘Hey, mom, this is what happened at school; this is how my day went; I’m so excited about this; I miss you so much,’” Santos said. “It was just a place where I could have a conversation with her. That really helped me.”
THE FUTURE
Now Santos has the soccer season and a potential state championship run to hold her attention. Regardless of whether that happens, she is a winner at life in the eyes of those around her.
She credits her support system.
“Jessie and Morgan Krause are my two best friends,” Santos said. “They have been my rock.
“I would not have made it through any of this without them. I can’t say the number of times I’ve ranted on stuff that doesn’t even have to do with my mom, and they just listen to me.”
Santos plans to major in education. She wants to be a teacher so she can make a difference for students the way she has been impacted by her teachers at Naperville North.
The tragedy of her mother’s death will linger forever in Santos’ mind; she hopes that talking publicly about it will help to ease the stigma associated with mental illness.
“At first I questioned myself,” Santos said. “'Is this my fault? Is there something I could have done? If I had given her an extra hug that night or if I would have kissed her, maybe she wouldn’t have done it.'
“But she was sick. Just like cancer is an illness, (it is the) same with mental illness. It’s just in the brain.”
In dealing with the loss of her mom, Santos found that she is part of a universal experience. Everyone eventually loses their parents, more than a few people lose them as children.
“Losing a parent in general is not easy, especially at a young age and in the manner it happened, in the blink of an eye,” Santos said. “(When it is) something you did not expect, it’s even more hard.”
Yet closure is possible.
“There was an article I read that said it’s not about moving on, it’s about moving forward,” Santos said. “It was a about a girl who wrote about her mom who passed away from cancer.
“I was immediately at peace.”